Where did all of my Courage Go?????

On Thursday, my mom and I attended a monthly support group for OCD and I felt confident about my exposure abilities and potential.  On Friday, I was even beginning to feel like a normal mom because I exposed myself so much with an inner dialogue (changing a "what if" into a "possibly" or "maybe" and also that " I have NO certainty about anything" ) I had really been pleased with myself all through the weekend and then today, I feel like garbage :( 
I had a stressful morning so this could be in part why and also, we took our daughter for her One Year pictures and there were triggers there, and it's Sunday and Sunday usually is difficult for me, it always has been, I think because it reminds me of endings...end of the week....end of life (such an obvious comparison right?)

I know a pretty chunky amount of effective exposure therapy techniques (easier to help others do, harder to do on yourself) as I have been using therapy and doing hard work since I was 14 but sitting here right now, knowing what I am about to write to expose myself and be vulnerable on the INTERNET is making me feel like I am going to throw up (which is a likely possibility as I just ate a steak sandwich and I know it's just balled up in my stomach right now....ew), my heart race, my palms sweat, the screen irritatingly bright, the sound of the fish tank screaming in my ear, clenching my jaw, biting my lip....it's endless what is going on in my body and mind right now and it's chaotic! but, I am going to do this, I have to...unveil to breathe.  I am going to write a stream of fears in this blog replacing "what if" with "maybe" and see what comes out and read it back to myself, what's hardest for me is to do this on the Internet because it's "out there" instead of safe and confined in a notebook or saved on my computer, Oh God (saying this is exposure, "lord's name in Vain...but is it in Vain???? lol, irrelevant!)  here I go....
Maybe someone from Children and Youth Services will see this and think I'm an unfit mother because I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, remove my daughter from her home into a foster home where she will be mistreated and they will use therapy tools on her that are not empirically sound and traumatizing like Holding Therapy, all because I was so selfish as to expose myself through a blog in order to REALLY REALLY make it a powerful exposure
Maybe a Haulocaust will happen here and I'll experience an evil I couldn't even imagine but worse my daughter will experience it too....and maybe I am slightly responsible for our suffering because I failed to finish The Diary of Ann Frank, maybe writing this will make it happen, create an energy force in that direction
Maybe there is a prowler who watches me and my family and is going to stab me at any minute in our home as I am taking care of our daughter, I'll lay on the floor bleeding and unable to move as this person grabs my crying baby and takes her away and I can't rescue her because I'm immobilized from the wounds, maybe they might even harm her in some horrific way in front of me because she is taken away and I have to watch because I can't move (ooooh, shaking and crying now....)
Maybe I don't appreciate our daughter enough and because of my lack of appreciation and affection I'll somehow lose her
Maybe she does have cancer and I fail to identify the symptoms in time for her to receive treatment that would have been effective if her cancer had not progressed
Maybe I don't keep our house clean enough and she is exposed to germs that make her very very sick but I let her crawl on the floor when it wasn't spotless because she wanted to and I didn't want to agravate her by not letting her do it
Maybe I'm spoiling our daughter when I have moments that I give in to something she wants like crawling around on a floor that is not spotless which makes me a selfish and lazy mother
Maybe I will give her gingivitus if I don't floss my teeth daily and then I kiss her or let her eat something off of my fork
Maybe I will accidently give her something to eat that she chokes on and I can't perform the necessary emergency reponses because I haven't practiced them or studied them enough
Maybe I will be wrongfully accused of a homocide and sent to jail for life unable to be there for my daughter
Maybe I will die of cancer that I caused because I did not practice enough healthy habits or because I worried so much of developing a cancer, I die and my husband remarries a woman who despises our daughter and she is cruel and damaging to her (Cinderella???????)
Maybe I will develop paranoid schizophrenia
Maybe I will miss an important detail in our home that causes a fire/explosion to errupt and kills our daughter in the night
Maybe a rat will enter her room because we have an opened bag of dogfood in our garage and eat her alive in her sleep
Maybe a mosquito will bite her and give her Malaria
Maybe her flu vaccine will kill her and I did not do enough medical research to have prevented this
Maybe her pediatricians do think I'm a bad mother....maybe they even have a reason to think that I have Munchausan by Proxy
Maybe I will get investigated for putting this in a blog on the internet, I don't have a good feeling, it might be a gut instinct telling me to erase this.......POST!