So, last night I was reading about a mother whose son began to have trouble breathing when he was sleeping and they had to go to the emergency room...so guess what I have been obsessing about for the last 24 plus hours, this happening to our daughter except we don't make it to the emergency room, the ambulance doesn't make it here and I could have saved her life but my ignorance of what to do in this type of situation causes her to die instead...(I am exposing myself as I am writing this).
This is a very scary scenario, and I have to keep telling myself that I'm not certain this won't happen, it could.....ughghgh not an easy line to say sometimes but it's much easier than trying to research all the ways I could prevent it because in reality, there's always gonna be some way I can't.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"To do lists"
My issue with my to-do lists is that I know I need them they help me get things done but they stress me out so badly because, if I can't complete something at the moment I write it down or shortly after, it sticks to me and agitates me until I complete the task. Sometimes, these tasks are not things that can be done in an hour, a day or a week, and sometimes they can but...I don't have the time or energy to do them because I'm tired and drained from the day and I feel like that is somehow my fault or I'm unappreciative for even saying that "I'm tired and drained from the day."
For example, I am planning on ordering from Etsy, wall art decorations for my daughter's room but my husband and I still have to decide what exactly we want....so, it's not going to be ordered for awhile and every time I get on the internet I feel like I need to do something that will enable me to get closer to getting this done even though, I don't have all of the information yet and my husband needs to help me so I feel like I can't do anything else on here until that's done, because tasks go in order (even though they actually don't), then I beat myself up for becoming so drained from a task and not enjoying the nature of the task itself as much as I should or even just appreciate being alive, that I can plan this task, walk to the computer to order it, have money to order it.....all the things I could appreciate more and I don't and because of this I'll somehow been shown what I'm missing...
My most difficult "to do" is accept myself, as a person, a human, who gets caught up in tasks sometimes because this is what I've been conditioned to do in this current world and see that I'm doing my best...because I am and Love myself anyways.
For example, I am planning on ordering from Etsy, wall art decorations for my daughter's room but my husband and I still have to decide what exactly we want....so, it's not going to be ordered for awhile and every time I get on the internet I feel like I need to do something that will enable me to get closer to getting this done even though, I don't have all of the information yet and my husband needs to help me so I feel like I can't do anything else on here until that's done, because tasks go in order (even though they actually don't), then I beat myself up for becoming so drained from a task and not enjoying the nature of the task itself as much as I should or even just appreciate being alive, that I can plan this task, walk to the computer to order it, have money to order it.....all the things I could appreciate more and I don't and because of this I'll somehow been shown what I'm missing...
My most difficult "to do" is accept myself, as a person, a human, who gets caught up in tasks sometimes because this is what I've been conditioned to do in this current world and see that I'm doing my best...because I am and Love myself anyways.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
yucky
I should start off by mentioning that it's that time of the month and for me, that means my ocd has more kick than usual and it takes me extra energy and work to stay on top of it, which is hard to do when you are menstrating, have anemia, got about 4 choppy hours of sleep and have a headache.
Needless to say, I was doing much better in terms of my wellness but today was not so great and my only word to accurately describe what I felt all day long was "yuck" as I had a lurking sense of dread, worries, judgements.
When I woke up with our daughter this morning, on the Today Show, there was a 16 y/o boy who had been a victim of a horrific burning incident from 3 other boys a year prior and he has now completely recovered, this is a very inspiring story but at the same time I felt so much pain for this little boy, and how traumatic this must have been for him and his family then....I thought about someone doing this horrific act to our daughter and it got stuck in my head for a good amount of the morning (3 hours or so) and even though I know better, I became so upset with the images in my head it was hard to look at my daughter at moments, I became angry with myself for not getting the thought out of my head and letting it get stuck/locked....(I know the better solution would be to just accept the thought instead of trying to remove it) but it's harder to do when you are tired and haven't prepared to be faced with such a horrifyng scenario my initial reaction was to break down in tears.
I remained semiparanoid for the remainder of the day, more paranoid that usual.
I know I have some more work to do in terms of this and I know the work really does help a lot (Exposure Response Prevention/coupled with learning to accept uncertainty) but like I said, some days staying on top of these things is harder than others and today was just one of those days.
Needless to say, I was doing much better in terms of my wellness but today was not so great and my only word to accurately describe what I felt all day long was "yuck" as I had a lurking sense of dread, worries, judgements.
When I woke up with our daughter this morning, on the Today Show, there was a 16 y/o boy who had been a victim of a horrific burning incident from 3 other boys a year prior and he has now completely recovered, this is a very inspiring story but at the same time I felt so much pain for this little boy, and how traumatic this must have been for him and his family then....I thought about someone doing this horrific act to our daughter and it got stuck in my head for a good amount of the morning (3 hours or so) and even though I know better, I became so upset with the images in my head it was hard to look at my daughter at moments, I became angry with myself for not getting the thought out of my head and letting it get stuck/locked....(I know the better solution would be to just accept the thought instead of trying to remove it) but it's harder to do when you are tired and haven't prepared to be faced with such a horrifyng scenario my initial reaction was to break down in tears.
I remained semiparanoid for the remainder of the day, more paranoid that usual.
I know I have some more work to do in terms of this and I know the work really does help a lot (Exposure Response Prevention/coupled with learning to accept uncertainty) but like I said, some days staying on top of these things is harder than others and today was just one of those days.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Along came a Spider....
After rocking our daughter to sleep, I left her bedroom and went into the kitchen where I saw a Spider. I used to never kill spiders I saw in our house or even remove them...I just let them go along their way hoping they enjoyed the stay until I had our daughter. Now every bug I see I imagine it harming her...mosquito (which I admit I did kill because I hate being bit) is carrying Wes Nile and is out to bite our daughter in her sleep, a moth is going to get into her ear....a spider is a rare poisenous one that is going to kill her in her sleep (even a Daddy Long Legs....it may be that one whose mouth can open large enough to bite, letting loose into her small helpless veins its deadly poison) so I try to erradicate anyone I see ASAP. But...I have to release them outside because, I don't want to cause another living thing harm for fear that if I do, I will be harmed back. So, I see this spider who looks harmless but he is clear in color and being very fast as I approach which I conclude is a sure sign of aggression and this spider is a major predator in my house hunting my sleeping baby...so I try to coax it onto the top of my shoe so I can release this murderer outside but he is not cooperating so I take that as another form of aggression, so I stomp him with the shoe, oooh and it's a struggle, I have to hit him three times before his belly is smashed and then, I feel AWFUL and I picture his spidery mom and siblings waiting for him in their home under our deck hoping he makes it there safe and I think...what is that spider was Aubrey and someone smashed her, so, now instead of a murderous eight legger with a hunger for babies...he's an adventurous yet naive young spider who went on an exploration and was squashed by a shoe with no sense of compassion by me....Sorry Peter Rabbit of the Spider World
Exposure without the preparation...Oh wait, that's a TRIGGER
On Wednesday night I had the most difficult time getting my daughter to go to sleep, she seemed miserable, she still had her croup cough and I suspected she was running a fever again :( Neither of us got much sleep...she had small cat naps in my arms...I got nothing the entire night, so I had been up for 24 hours straight. I called the on-call doctor as soon as possible and of course I was afraid I would be thought of as overreacting because I'm sure I come across as an anxious mother. The doctor told me to bring her in in the morning at 9, so we waited anxiously for the time to come. I brought her in, still fearful that I would be judged for overreacting about a cough that had already been treated but instead the doctor was very compassionate and worried, and she wanted to keep her in the hospital overnite....Oh No!!!! I began to cry in the office, I felt so horrible for not reacting faster, for her being so sick, for getting emotionally/internally frustrated with her last night when she wouldn't go to sleep or let me sleep, all the things I could quickly blame myself for in a 10 second span, I did and felt them deeply. After waiting an hour in the office so she could finish a breathing treatment we were sent to the pediatric ward of the hospital, I was so worried that someone would make a mistake who was caring for her and she would suffer from medical accident that left her different from the baby I brought in, I was terrified of how traumatizing the situation was for her, nebulizers in her face, her screaming (even though no sound was coming out), all the new faces giving her medicine, taking her temp. examining her, how would all of this effect her, I was a wreck but as always, I was able to remain competent for my daughter and my fear of being judged crazy and incompetent as a mother.
Then of course, I was never going to blog again because I was sure that the blogging about my fears of her being sick is what caused her to be so sick and have to be hospitalized. I had pictured in my head the entire scenario, going to the doctors, being sent to the hospital what if my last image happened too...that she dies in the hospital due to complication....how the heck do I stop that, not imagine it, not talk about it, get reassurance....do anything to counter act the potential for it happening???!!!!
Well, I had little time to meddle in the land of fear since my main source of energy went to taking care of my daughter and pushing horrors aside as best as possible.
She did recover, no medical accidents, no death and still blogging.
Was I triggered, TOTALLY, did I survive YES, am I still terrified, everyday but also, my aim to control my daughter's health and hospital visits to a 100% healthy, never needs to be hospitalized is in the can and that's a good thing for me and by proxy for her.
Then of course, I was never going to blog again because I was sure that the blogging about my fears of her being sick is what caused her to be so sick and have to be hospitalized. I had pictured in my head the entire scenario, going to the doctors, being sent to the hospital what if my last image happened too...that she dies in the hospital due to complication....how the heck do I stop that, not imagine it, not talk about it, get reassurance....do anything to counter act the potential for it happening???!!!!
Well, I had little time to meddle in the land of fear since my main source of energy went to taking care of my daughter and pushing horrors aside as best as possible.
She did recover, no medical accidents, no death and still blogging.
Was I triggered, TOTALLY, did I survive YES, am I still terrified, everyday but also, my aim to control my daughter's health and hospital visits to a 100% healthy, never needs to be hospitalized is in the can and that's a good thing for me and by proxy for her.
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