So, I had a crappy case of insomnia last night due probably to my upcoming . I'm laying in bed dead-eyeing our clock with the green numbers bouncing off the screen taunting me, my heat is racing, I've read, I've done breathing, read more, did more breathing, and read some more but I could not fall asleep. Then, the poisen began to pour upon me and I pondered the crisis it presented with everything I had except ACCEPTANCE so, of course, that notion being my one and only umbrella I was soaked in agony. First, I began to become excited about a recent purchase I had made and my husband and I had been working on diligently before going to bed....SHRINKY DINKS!!!! (I found them after 20 plus years of missing them). I couldn't wait to put them in the oven and watch them curl and shrink!! Then I thought, this would be fun to do with Aubrey someday too like my mom used to do with me....then I went to enjoying a moment and then I went to OVEN!!! What if I stuck Aubrey in the oven and made her stay in there at 325 deg????? Oh my God!!! This thought broke my heart over and over again, I know I could never do that to her but I decided that instead of letting this idea pounce my soul I would expose myself right now, I would come up with a long drawn out terrifying scenario of me doing this horrific act to my sweet baby girl until I didn't not feel any more pain (I tried to neutralize it in my head with by doing an exposure which sounds more like a compulsion with a mask.... The Joker wearing a Batman Suit if you will....) And boy did it backfire, each time I tried to have an internal exposure with this scenario, it did not get any better, I felt terrible, I think almost to the point that my mind couldn't handle anymore (my mind in these moments is like a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder, with just two personalities....bully (OCD) and unbelievably wimpy kid (not OCD....mother, wife, human, child, innocence.....) so I thought "Man I must be getting my period soon because this feels like PMS (and I know I am) but then I thought....wait, should I be getting it soon???? Did I miss it????? Why can't I be more organized and write this stuff on a calender??????? WHAT IF I'M PREGNANT????!!!!!!!!! but, my husband and I use protection because we are not ready for another little one yet......WHAT IF I'M PREGNANT FROM A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHERE I WASN'T USING PROTECTION AND I JUST DON'T REMEMBER THE ENCOUNTER!!!??????????? A few weeks ago, I had a girls night with my friends, we had a few drinks but I remember most of the night.....but I don't remember every detail???? What if I was more intoxicated than I thought I was????? What if I took a stranger in a closet at a club and had sex with him and I don't remember.....What if someone drugged my drink too????? and it happened so quickly (the sex) that my friends didn't even remember me being gone for a significant amount of time??????????? Oh crap!! I'm pregnant with a child that is not mine and my poor innocent husband sleeping beside me, he's going to divorce me....how will I support myself and Aubrey, will I lose custody because I'm a drunk mother who has sex with strangers in bathrooms and gets pregnant????? How will I figure out who this baby's father is???? Will I secretly resent the child because it reminds me of a mistake I made and don't remember that tore apart my family????? What if I got an abortion, OH MY GOD am I really contemplating that....(5 minutes of rationalizing why I know I wouldn't have an abortion, including an Albert Einstein reference....) on and on and on. I know I shouldn't have done this but I did anyways, I knew I had a pregnancy test in our bathroom so I decided instead of me lying here in bed trying to accept this traumatizing scenario along with what I just attempted to do in terms of exposure where I purposely harm/burn my daughter (writing this is really exposing too because CPS could be contacted due to this thought that I am now manifesting in written text on the INTERNET) while at the same moment I think about how terrible of a mother I am going to be tomarrow when I got no sleep and won't be present for our daughter (it was 3 a.m. by this time....my daughter gets up around 6:30 a.m.) I thought my best bet for getting to sleep was to take the test...so I did....not pregnant!!! Luckily I have a therapy appointment tomarrow :) and I'll learn a better way to cope with pms (spike ocd symptoms) and I must say I went through the day not beating myself up about my night....which I rarely do so I am proud of myself for that.
Shine!
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