Sept. 29 2010,
Since last blogging, I have been obsessing about the fact that I might have appeared stupid and annoying from my last blog and that I had not articulated perfectly EVERYTHING that is on my mind...oh and, I am not a master blogger in terms of utilizing all the available blog technology to my advantage because...I'm terrible with computers/websites and taking the time to learn everything overwhelms me and I'm defeated before I even begin but...nonethless I am still going to write, even if my blog looks like stick figures compared to every other blogs being perfect portraits.
Today, I was and still am very tired (almost beyond tired point now where just feel like crap but body is somehow still awake in overstimluation). Our daughter was up all night due to her croop cough waking her up and she did not take any naps longer than 40 minutes today, she is miserable, I feel terrible.
Also, when I'm tired, my mind is like a chicken running around with his head cut off (poor analogy I know but again...I'm tired) and it's less tolerable than days where I get a decent amount of sleep.
My husband and I have been watching the new Robin Hood with Russel Crowe (incredible) in between naps and I love watching it but...as with all action packed movies, it increases my anxiety and need to check if available on our daughter. For example, when archers hoist their arrows at castle walls, climb them and start an explosion with some type of tar like substance wrapped into a ball of black fabric I see the same exact thing in my head happening in our daughter's room so I check to make sure no archers have entered our "castle" to blow up our daughter's room. Each time something highstrung occurs, (which I love love love action films), I automatically want to check on our daughter because I see it happening to her and that is painful.
Also, as I was rocking her to sleep this morning for an attempt at a nap, the sun was coming into her room so well even with the blinds drawn that the details of her face and skin were almost "over" observeable (if that makes sense) and it seemed like she had a protrusion coming out between each eye, like a tumor, or swelling frontal lobe???? I stared at it in a panic for half an hour and really wanted to research it when I put her down but...I did NOT!!! because researching medical information on the internet when you have no medical background for someone like me is treading on dangerous and inevitable panic attack ground where I would spend the rest of the day imagining how my dialogue would be between discussing how it felt to lose my daughter to a swollen frontal lobe or maybe a thrombosis?????? and what kind of ceremony I would hold for her, if I would take off and live in a shack on the beach with my husband because being around here would be intolerable.....instead, I sat with it, I'm still concerned but I did not do any internet research!!!!
Shine,
Andrea
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
September 28, 2010
So, today I decided to blog my experience as a first time mother who struggles with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Our daughter Aubrianna is 10 1/2 months old. Already, discussing Aubrey at all on the internet brings me a lot of anxiety because I am putting "my daughter out there" in the internet world where potential threats to her safety exist...ughgh, am I sure I can do this???? Talking about my OCD is not the issue here at all or people knowing about my mental struggles but exposing anything about my daughter and my intense love for her makes me feel very vulnerable to anyone who might try to target and hurt her, it's really hard to write this now, wasn't anticipating this new exposure opportunity. So, here I find myself, vulnerable and opening Aubrey up to vulnerability as well.....YUCK!!!!!
In this same moment while experiencing this awful feeling...I have torn off two new layers of skin on my poor right thumb with my right index finger, "pointer" is a master at thumb skin pick-n-peel with over 18 years experience.
And I have contemplated for the hundreth plus time today whether or not I am a bad mother as my husband offers to put our daughter back up to bed after I had been rocking her for 30 minutes and decided to take a ten minute break to work on this blog (how Narcissistic and selfish of me....)
So, since he is still upstairs with her and she seems to be getting sleepy (don't worry I have the camera baby monitor turned on and right in front of me as I glance down at it every .5 seconds),I will continue writing even if my mind is telling me now on broken record...."You should be upstairs not Travis, your baby girl is sick (she has laryngitus at the moment with a croop cough) and she needs you! you are going to be judged and punished for this somehow..."
But, let's get to the my daughter is sick part (please note writing "my daughter is sick" made me worry that I would somehow give her a terminal illness and that I should erase immediately and rephrase with something more neutral and "safe," as another layer of my poor thumb is scraped away by Dr. Pointer (oh yes, by now he's received his S.D. : skin pick doctorate)
On Friday my daughter felt warm so of course I took her temperature throughout the day where it maintained a 98 or something degree until I took it in the evening (around 5) and it said 102 (Oh shit, we need to get the ER ASAP I thought and then that somehow I should have known she had a fever all along so...if she develops brain damage from this it's totally my fault) with my more practical (but also first time father) husband beside me, together we opted to call the on-call doctor instead who told us to just keep an eye on her and if her temperature rises to call back in the meantime give her tylenol and a bath (okay...I do trust the doctor but my OCD tells me that the tylenol is going to give her liver damage and I should research some other way to ease her fever...oh and teething pain and a bath my cause her body to go into shock)
Needless to say her fever went down and waxed and waned throughout the night (as a fever does and should...fighting an infection) and she slept through the night, I did not of course as the reality of finding her limp body in the crib seemed closer than usual tonite than a night where she did not have a 102 degree fever (again, "her limp body" is another exposure and now I'm afraid I'll find that tom. morning having wrote it now).
Her fever went away the next day but Sunday evening she seemed to be hoarse and Sunday night she had a cough (which I already knew was probably croup...sp???) and she was up in discomfort a lot during the night so on Monday I called the doctor first thing.
She was given a diagnosis of Laryngitus (sp?) and Croup (totally my fault she has this, I should have done something more to prevent her being sick) and she was perscribed Predisonal less potent liquid form of prednisone I think....a steroid help her breathe). Well...I was perscribed Prednisone once for a rash given to high of a dose....and I went bonkers for two days so, I am in a panic!! Do I give my daughter the medicine that the doctor perscribed or not, is this OCD or my instinct???? Maybe he misunderstood what she had??? Should I tell him I had a bad mental reaction from a steroid????? I didn't tell him that....now what????? If I give my daughter this steroid, maybe it could alter the chemicals in her brain (since she is already at a predisposition to develop anxiety) and exacerbate any type of mental illness she was already predisposed for???? But if I don't give her the medicine and her cough gets worse what the heck do I tell her doctor..."Well...I know you went to medical school and have been a very good and respected pediatrition for many years but....my 27 year old self with absolutely no medical background felt that the steroid was unneccessary and could cause more harm than good?"
After panicking in my mind for an hour I call my sister who is a pharmacist for resassurance (I know BAD...but I was tired and just wanted a quick fix relief) who told me it was perfectly safe (if you are a good intending person who is reading this and does not know about OCD and how one opinion can plant a weed of a thought in my clustered mind and you disagree with the safety of this medicine please please please refrain from telling me, you will be doing me, my husband, and most importantly my infant daughter a grave disservice).
So, that's what I have for tonite, daughter is still awake so I am going to take over and comfort her,
In this same moment while experiencing this awful feeling...I have torn off two new layers of skin on my poor right thumb with my right index finger, "pointer" is a master at thumb skin pick-n-peel with over 18 years experience.
And I have contemplated for the hundreth plus time today whether or not I am a bad mother as my husband offers to put our daughter back up to bed after I had been rocking her for 30 minutes and decided to take a ten minute break to work on this blog (how Narcissistic and selfish of me....)
So, since he is still upstairs with her and she seems to be getting sleepy (don't worry I have the camera baby monitor turned on and right in front of me as I glance down at it every .5 seconds),I will continue writing even if my mind is telling me now on broken record...."You should be upstairs not Travis, your baby girl is sick (she has laryngitus at the moment with a croop cough) and she needs you! you are going to be judged and punished for this somehow..."
But, let's get to the my daughter is sick part (please note writing "my daughter is sick" made me worry that I would somehow give her a terminal illness and that I should erase immediately and rephrase with something more neutral and "safe," as another layer of my poor thumb is scraped away by Dr. Pointer (oh yes, by now he's received his S.D. : skin pick doctorate)
On Friday my daughter felt warm so of course I took her temperature throughout the day where it maintained a 98 or something degree until I took it in the evening (around 5) and it said 102 (Oh shit, we need to get the ER ASAP I thought and then that somehow I should have known she had a fever all along so...if she develops brain damage from this it's totally my fault) with my more practical (but also first time father) husband beside me, together we opted to call the on-call doctor instead who told us to just keep an eye on her and if her temperature rises to call back in the meantime give her tylenol and a bath (okay...I do trust the doctor but my OCD tells me that the tylenol is going to give her liver damage and I should research some other way to ease her fever...oh and teething pain and a bath my cause her body to go into shock)
Needless to say her fever went down and waxed and waned throughout the night (as a fever does and should...fighting an infection) and she slept through the night, I did not of course as the reality of finding her limp body in the crib seemed closer than usual tonite than a night where she did not have a 102 degree fever (again, "her limp body" is another exposure and now I'm afraid I'll find that tom. morning having wrote it now).
Her fever went away the next day but Sunday evening she seemed to be hoarse and Sunday night she had a cough (which I already knew was probably croup...sp???) and she was up in discomfort a lot during the night so on Monday I called the doctor first thing.
She was given a diagnosis of Laryngitus (sp?) and Croup (totally my fault she has this, I should have done something more to prevent her being sick) and she was perscribed Predisonal less potent liquid form of prednisone I think....a steroid help her breathe). Well...I was perscribed Prednisone once for a rash given to high of a dose....and I went bonkers for two days so, I am in a panic!! Do I give my daughter the medicine that the doctor perscribed or not, is this OCD or my instinct???? Maybe he misunderstood what she had??? Should I tell him I had a bad mental reaction from a steroid????? I didn't tell him that....now what????? If I give my daughter this steroid, maybe it could alter the chemicals in her brain (since she is already at a predisposition to develop anxiety) and exacerbate any type of mental illness she was already predisposed for???? But if I don't give her the medicine and her cough gets worse what the heck do I tell her doctor..."Well...I know you went to medical school and have been a very good and respected pediatrition for many years but....my 27 year old self with absolutely no medical background felt that the steroid was unneccessary and could cause more harm than good?"
After panicking in my mind for an hour I call my sister who is a pharmacist for resassurance (I know BAD...but I was tired and just wanted a quick fix relief) who told me it was perfectly safe (if you are a good intending person who is reading this and does not know about OCD and how one opinion can plant a weed of a thought in my clustered mind and you disagree with the safety of this medicine please please please refrain from telling me, you will be doing me, my husband, and most importantly my infant daughter a grave disservice).
So, that's what I have for tonite, daughter is still awake so I am going to take over and comfort her,
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