I am going to expose OCD through this blog with a recent obsession my daughter having a brain tumor. I'm afraid to put this in writing because...if I do, then it might come true. It might come true because: when I wrote about her having bad croup on a Monday, it got worse throughout the week and she had to go to the hospital, it also might come true because: in a "success book" I am currently reading (on and off) one exercise is to write what you want to happen and then it....how do I put this....helps this "wish," to attach itself to an energy force, giving it a power to grow into your life....(roughly put). What if it happens in the opposite way? What if you write someone down that you don't want to happen but, you trick your brain into thinking you do want it to happen for I don't know what reason and you place that "wish" (that you don't really wish) into the universe? I'm not writing this down to prove my theory wrong...to say "See Andrea, you wrote that blog and Aubrey never got brain cancer" (that would be a very ideal case obviously) but rather I'm writing this down because if I DON'T because I'm afraid that it might make it come true, crystalize a waiting catastrophe (me losing my baby that I deeply deeply love) then I know the obsession will make itself bigger and bigger in head and heart and I simply don't have time or energy for that.
Also, while I was thinking about exposing the obsession while I was rocking Aubrey she began to grab the back of her head and cry as she has been doing for the past 3 days which lead me to this worry in the first place (as I spent 2 days getting reassurance that this isn't a sign of a tumor) I decided that I was not going to write this in the blog...it's too risky, I'm thinking about exposing it and putting the obsession in writing and here she is grabbing her head...it's too coincidental, I'm going to make it happen...well, I really don't know if I'm going to make it happen but I'm going to write it down anyways....
Aubrey might have a brain tumor that is developing in the back of her brain, I may not react quickly enough due to my inept capabilities as a medical professional (because I'm not one) and when I really do get her the medical attention she needs, it's too late, the tumor has grown, it may cause her to develop a severe handicap and she will feel very frustrated losing all the skills that she has worked so hard to accomplish, like walking, running, feeding herself, dancing, talking, kicking a ball etc. It may even kill her over time and I won't be able to make it better for her, I will feel hopeless and she might feel unbelieveably let down in the one person who is supposed to protect her from harm, me, her mother.
Now my heart is racing, my hands are sweating and I feel like complete shit....but I do have faith that I have done what I needed to do so in another angle I'm proud of myself
