surrender to reach acceptance, acceptance to gracefully live

I am going to expose OCD through this blog with a recent obsession my daughter having a brain tumor.  I'm afraid to put this in writing because...if I do, then it might come true.  It might come true because:  when I wrote about her having bad croup on a Monday, it got worse throughout the week and she had to go to the hospital, it also might come true because: in a "success book" I am currently reading (on and off) one exercise is to write what you want to happen and then it....how do I put this....helps this "wish," to attach itself to an energy force, giving it a power to grow into your life....(roughly put).  What if it happens in the opposite way?  What if you write someone down that you don't want to happen but, you trick your brain into thinking you do want it to happen for I don't know what reason and you place that "wish" (that you don't really wish) into the universe?  I'm not writing this down to prove my theory wrong...to say "See Andrea, you wrote that blog and Aubrey never got brain cancer"  (that would be a very ideal case obviously) but rather I'm writing this down because if I DON'T because I'm afraid that it might make it come true, crystalize a waiting catastrophe (me losing my baby that I deeply deeply love) then I know the obsession will make itself bigger and bigger in head and heart and I simply don't have time or energy for that. 
Also, while I was thinking about exposing the obsession while I was rocking Aubrey she began to grab the back of her head and cry as she has been doing for the past 3 days which lead me to this worry in the first place (as I spent 2 days getting reassurance that this isn't a sign of a tumor) I decided that I was not going to write this in the blog...it's too risky, I'm thinking about exposing it and putting the obsession in writing and here she is grabbing her head...it's too coincidental, I'm going to make it happen...well, I really don't know if I'm going to make it happen but I'm going to write it down anyways....

Aubrey might have a brain tumor that is developing in the back of her brain, I may not react quickly enough due to my inept capabilities as a medical professional (because I'm not one) and when I really do get her the medical attention she needs, it's too late, the tumor has grown, it may cause her to develop a severe handicap and she will feel very frustrated losing all the skills that she has worked so hard to accomplish, like walking, running, feeding herself, dancing, talking, kicking a ball etc.  It may even kill her over time and I won't be able to make it better for her, I will feel hopeless and she might feel unbelieveably let down in the one person who is supposed to protect her from harm, me, her mother.
Now my heart is racing, my hands are sweating and I feel like complete shit....but I do have faith that I have done what I needed to do so in another angle I'm proud of myself

No Doubt

My back is killing me I have yet to make an appointment with a massage therapist because I feel like I don't have enough time or deservance (is that even a word?) so instead of doing Yoga while Aubrey is taking a nice long nap, I treated myself to continuing on one of my 4 books I am reading currently on Kindle and the one that is like saving your favorite item on your plate for last....Portia De Rossi's Unbearable Lightness.  Reading her book is so soothing to me.  While her struggles take different twists and turns they are, as I expected as soon as I watched her on OPRAH and felt an immediate connection to her mental struggles also from a similiar if not the same dark source.  I also wonder while I read her extremely articulate and elloquent words not to mention brave words....if people unlike me are taken aback at some of her thought processes that she conceptualizes in writing (so well) while I am comforted, almost hugged by her kindred struggles within her mind.  I am also so impressed with the detail she uses to describe and convey situations in her life and career even though some happened many years ago....those situations she is able to bring up where you're in the scene but apart of you also takes a step away and watches, and this part says to the person in the drama's midst "oh crap, you are never going to be the same as you were before this moment and it's going to be pretty dim for a bit" (to put it lightly). 

racing heart

Today is SUNDAY!!! and on top of it being the morbid Sunday feeling I get at the end of each week, it's also the end of a year....a holiday....all the baggage encapsulated in that....
So, my husband and I went away for the night for New Year's Eve and our daughter stayed with my parents.  Of course, I now feel like an awful mother for going out NYE and having a slight hangover the next day....so this guilt has been festering and festering...I feel like I am not responsive enough to our daughter even today I was tired (again...on my period, that makes me tired) even though I know I am being very responsive to her...but if it doesn't feel "responsive enough" or "pure" then I'm letting her down and on top of that, I'm selfish for going out NYE and not being 100% the next day and being tired today. 

I know it's late I want to be able to go to sleep but my heart is racing like crazy.  All day I had a sense of impending doom, which I get often and my OCD mind tries to trick me into thinking that "this time it's different...." well, I suppose it could be but....I'll label it as OCD anyways. 
Our daughter is also developing a cough and tonite, she had a difficult time falling asleep because I know she doesn't feel quite right and she was uncomfortable.  I hate watching her suffer in these moments (writing watching her "suffer" is a huge trigger right now, I'm scared those words will make her REALLY suffer and give her Cancer....which I have also been obsessing about today, her having cancer and me having stomach cancer....ughghg more triggers)  when she turns her lips into a frown with a slight quiver and cries in little coughs...I feel like I'm causing her the pain and I'm doing something wrong that is making her so uncomfortable and so sad and I hate myself for not knowing how to make it go away....it completely breaks my heart and I feel completely responsible for her pain.