On Wednesday night I had the most difficult time getting my daughter to go to sleep, she seemed miserable, she still had her croup cough and I suspected she was running a fever again :( Neither of us got much sleep...she had small cat naps in my arms...I got nothing the entire night, so I had been up for 24 hours straight. I called the on-call doctor as soon as possible and of course I was afraid I would be thought of as overreacting because I'm sure I come across as an anxious mother. The doctor told me to bring her in in the morning at 9, so we waited anxiously for the time to come. I brought her in, still fearful that I would be judged for overreacting about a cough that had already been treated but instead the doctor was very compassionate and worried, and she wanted to keep her in the hospital overnite....Oh No!!!! I began to cry in the office, I felt so horrible for not reacting faster, for her being so sick, for getting emotionally/internally frustrated with her last night when she wouldn't go to sleep or let me sleep, all the things I could quickly blame myself for in a 10 second span, I did and felt them deeply. After waiting an hour in the office so she could finish a breathing treatment we were sent to the pediatric ward of the hospital, I was so worried that someone would make a mistake who was caring for her and she would suffer from medical accident that left her different from the baby I brought in, I was terrified of how traumatizing the situation was for her, nebulizers in her face, her screaming (even though no sound was coming out), all the new faces giving her medicine, taking her temp. examining her, how would all of this effect her, I was a wreck but as always, I was able to remain competent for my daughter and my fear of being judged crazy and incompetent as a mother.
Then of course, I was never going to blog again because I was sure that the blogging about my fears of her being sick is what caused her to be so sick and have to be hospitalized. I had pictured in my head the entire scenario, going to the doctors, being sent to the hospital what if my last image happened too...that she dies in the hospital due to complication....how the heck do I stop that, not imagine it, not talk about it, get reassurance....do anything to counter act the potential for it happening???!!!!
Well, I had little time to meddle in the land of fear since my main source of energy went to taking care of my daughter and pushing horrors aside as best as possible.
She did recover, no medical accidents, no death and still blogging.
Was I triggered, TOTALLY, did I survive YES, am I still terrified, everyday but also, my aim to control my daughter's health and hospital visits to a 100% healthy, never needs to be hospitalized is in the can and that's a good thing for me and by proxy for her.
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