Today is SUNDAY!!! and on top of it being the morbid Sunday feeling I get at the end of each week, it's also the end of a year....a holiday....all the baggage encapsulated in that....
So, my husband and I went away for the night for New Year's Eve and our daughter stayed with my parents. Of course, I now feel like an awful mother for going out NYE and having a slight hangover the next day....so this guilt has been festering and festering...I feel like I am not responsive enough to our daughter even today I was tired (again...on my period, that makes me tired) even though I know I am being very responsive to her...but if it doesn't feel "responsive enough" or "pure" then I'm letting her down and on top of that, I'm selfish for going out NYE and not being 100% the next day and being tired today.
I know it's late I want to be able to go to sleep but my heart is racing like crazy. All day I had a sense of impending doom, which I get often and my OCD mind tries to trick me into thinking that "this time it's different...." well, I suppose it could be but....I'll label it as OCD anyways.
Our daughter is also developing a cough and tonite, she had a difficult time falling asleep because I know she doesn't feel quite right and she was uncomfortable. I hate watching her suffer in these moments (writing watching her "suffer" is a huge trigger right now, I'm scared those words will make her REALLY suffer and give her Cancer....which I have also been obsessing about today, her having cancer and me having stomach cancer....ughghg more triggers) when she turns her lips into a frown with a slight quiver and cries in little coughs...I feel like I'm causing her the pain and I'm doing something wrong that is making her so uncomfortable and so sad and I hate myself for not knowing how to make it go away....it completely breaks my heart and I feel completely responsible for her pain.
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